Endless Insanity: Fun With Final Fantasy7
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: No knowledge of FF7 necessary... Hey! I didn't have any! *kicks Playstation2 across the room* No! My DVD player!


I don't own Gundam Wing or Final Fantasy 7. If I did, I wouldn't be living in this cramped apartment on the upper level of an obscenely huge building right near one of Japan's biggest tourist traps. *sigh* One of these days… Ja ne, for now. I'm off to continue the search for that Duo look-alike… Enjoy this short story while I'm gone… If I get good reviews, I'll continue it! ^_^  
  
  
  
  
'The mission was a failure,' Heero thought as he slouched dejectedly on an abandoned playground swing. Duet. He had no idea where she were. It had been days since their planned rendezvous. Duo seemed less jovial as the hours ticked by. Occasionally, the huge iron gate to the north would slide open. Every time their heads would snap up, hoping to see their friend, and every time their hopes would be shot down.   
  
It was one such time that once again they paused to study faces of the passengers when Heero noticed something different about the cart. As richly adorned as it was, someone had neglected to remove the pile of dirty rags in the back. On closer inspection, they recognized a tell-tale mass of chestnut hair that at one time may have resembled a braid. Her fine clothes had been reduced to rags, and she'd been thrown carelessly to the floor.  
  
"Duet!" the long-haired boy cried and the girl lifted her head. She only had a moment to flash them a pleading glance before the eastern gates closed, sealing the entrance of another village.   
  
Duo turned to Heero and grasped his arm. "We've gotta help her!" he hissed and the short-haired boy nodded.   
  
?  
  
Duet let her head fall as the gates closed behind her. She thought she had had control of the situation, but… things had gotten out of hand. It seems a certain emperor of the L5 Colonies was in need of a wife, and was calling for every young girl he could find to choose from.  
  
'No wonder this emperor can't find a real wife', she frowned to herself as the coach passed a strip club, the second she had seen on her trip. 'Two ships passing in the night don't run along side one another for long.'  
  
Her ride pulled up outside a fair-sized palace and she was dragged out by the chains of her handcuffs. Helluva time to lose your pick, she mocked her reflection in the glass pond alongside the carriage.   
  
The huge double-doors opened and a young raven-haired man stepped out. He stopped in front of Duet and lifted her chin to look her in the face.  
  
"Not from here, are you?" he smirked as he studied her Caucasian features. Duet grimaced and turned away.  
  
"Do not disrespect Emperor Wu Fei!" one of his guards yelled and struck her across the face. She smirked and wiped away the blood trickling from the corner of her mouth. Emperor Wu Fei whipped around and, with one quick motion, sealed the man's fate.   
  
?  
  
Duo and Heero hurried down the streets of the oriental city. "Bangcok…" Heero muttered as he batted away Duo's somewhat logical excuse for searching the gentlemen's clubs.   
  
"Can I help you boys with something?" a pleasant-looking girl asked as they stumbled by the entrance to her shop.   
  
"We're looking for a girl by the name of Duet."  
  
"A girl? I hope she's not alone. This town really isn't suited for women."  
  
"We came to that conclusion," Heero snorted and looked around again.   
  
"All the new girls that've come through here are usually headed to Emperor Wu Fei's palace."  
  
"Thank you very much. We'll look into it!" Duo chimed and dragged Heero off in the direction of the giant red-roofed building.  
  
?  
  
"Oow…" Duet groaned and tugged on the chain that kept her from venturing far from the wall. Her shoulders slumped when the attempt proved futile.   
  
She hadn't seen anyone since they'd dumped her off and tied her up. No one had brought her anything to eat or drink despite their long journey. That's why she was so surprised to hear footsetps. Judging by the dim light seeping through the bars of her prison's window it was nearly dusk. She strained her ears to catch the cat-like padding of slippered feet on the stone stairs.  
  
"Hello, my dearest," the mocking voice of the emperor echoed as his shadow stopped over her. She look up at him, wishing the fury in her eyes would burn his soul. He merely laughed and bent on one knee. "You are certainly a rare find on this Colony," he smirked and touched her cheek.   
  
In an instant, her arms flew up in an attempt to strangle him with her own bonds. He caught her hands in his and his smiled widened. "You certainly know the quickest way to a man's heart."  
  
?  
  
"Halt! Who goes there?" an armored guard demanded as Duo and Heero approached the palace gates.  
  
"We're here to see Emperor Wu Fei."  
  
"Emperor Wu Fei, long may he live, is only seeing candidates for a wife. He does not like men."  
  
Duo and Heero exchanged glances. "If it is as you say, we will send our sisters, so that perhaps his lordship will be satisfied," Heero replied with a stiff bow and led Duo forcefully away by the elbow.  
  
"I don't have any sisters!!!" Duo hissed once they were out of earshot.  
  
"Neither do I. What I've got is a plan," Heero murmured as he led his friend back to the shop of the girl they'd met.  
  
?  
  
Duet looked up from her bowl of rice and across the table at the emperor. She rubbed her wrists and begrudgingly picked up her chopsticks.  
  
He had given her a change of clothes, red pants tied around the waist and ankle, and an elaborate blouse decorated with intertwining dragons. Her hair was washed and styled by his servants who, much to her discomfort, were all young males.   
  
"Why waste the women here when they can be out earning me money?" he had answered when she had confronted him about it. It disgusted her to see a man with such power using it so… pointlessly. A man with his influence should be working for the good of his people, not exploiting them for profit. Of course, she was only a woman. She knew nothing, according to him.   
  
?  
  
"Go right ahead, ladies," the armored guard at the gate smiled and winked. The doors opened and they stumbled inside, unsure of themselves.  
  
"I look like a fool!" Duo growled and clenched his fists. Heero merely nodded in agreement and his friend frowned. "How come you got the shimmery dress?" he complained and the short-haired boy with hair-extensions smirked. Duo's antics never failed to cheer him up, even if he didn't always show it.   
  
He looked down at the… interesting ensemble Relena, the blonde woman at the shop, had willingly provided. A revealing silver gown created the illusion of a female figure with a fake ponytail to top it off while Duo was clad in a tight black dress. His braid had been undone and tied up again in a fishnet pattern down to his shoulders where the rest fell freely.   
  
Both seemed convincing enough to attract the hungry glances of a few young men. It had greatly disturbed Heero, but Duo shrugged it off. The pair shifted uncomfortably as they waited for someone to come for them.  
  
?  
  
"Excuse me, Emperor Wu Fei, but there are two more candidates here to see you and might I add they are both very beautiful," a guard whispered. Wu Fei rose and turned to him.   
  
"I shall be the one to determine that!" he warned and made a hasty exit without sparing Duet another glance.  
'Heeey… How come they weren't locked up? Don't tell me they came willingly…' she frowned and toyed with the pickles on top of her rice. She rose to her feet and walked to the door, but was stopped by the two men standing guard.   
  
"Where do you think you're going?" the one on the left asked mockingly. "Nowhere, apparently," she sighed and flopped onto the pile of cushions in the far corner.  
  
?  
  
"Good evening, ladies," emperor Wu Fei greeted as he made a great show of walking down the main stairway. Duo and Heero bowed and batted their eyelashes.  
  
'For Duet', Heero reminded himself as the emperor looked them over.   
  
"Come with me," Wu Fei said finally and led the two up to where he and Duet had been eating. When the doors opened, they were surprised to see their friend. Of course, she had no idea who they were.  
  
"It is time to choose, master," one of the guards reminded and Wu Fei nodded solemnly.  
  
"Aren't there any others?" Duo asked, trying his darndest to sound like a girl.  
  
"None of your caliber," he replied with a suave smirk.  
  
Duet and the two boys lined up, each wondering how it would turn out. Duet had recently discovered that clevage was a great hiding place for a knife (a shame she didn't have one) and the two boys were unarmed save for their combat skills. They wouldn't stand a chance against emperor Wu Fei's guards, who were expert martial artists.  
  
"You're all so lovely. It's certainly a hard descision…" he mused as he paced in front of them, "but one of you has captured my heart." He stopped in front of Duo, looked to Duet, and walked over to Heero. After staring him in the face, he backed up a step. "I have chosen… the beautiful woman in red," he stated triumphantly and the two boys gasped.  
  
"You can't have her!" Duo cried and stepped protectively in front of Duet.  
  
"Listen, honey. Just cuz you don't got it going on…" Duet began when she caught sight of Duo's cross swinging from his neck. "Maxwell!?" she gasped, low enough so emperor Wu Fei did not hear. He responded with a slight nod of his head.  
  
"Play along," Heero whispered harshly and put a hand on her shoulder.   
  
"What is the meaning of this!? I am emperor Wu Fei! I may have any woman I wish!" the emperor yelled.  
  
"You don't understand! She gave me this card the other day!" Duo replied and held out a hastily-written note with 'Lezbe friends' scrawled in blue ink. Duet delivered a swift but discreet punch to the back of her boyfriend's head and smiled sweetly at the emperor.  
  
"Is this true?" Wu Fei asked, confused. Duet nodded sadly and leaned her head on Duo's shoulder. "In that case, I shall have the shimmery wench for my concubine!" he declared and Heero backed up a step. "Come." The emperor grasped Heero's arms and dragged him away. "Toss the queer into the street!" his voice floated back, accompanied by a yelp from their friend.  
  
?  
  
"OW!" Duo and Duet cried in unison as they were literally thrown outside.   
  
"Didn't go so well, I take it?" Relena asked when she caught sight of them as she walked down the street.   
  
"They abducted Heero!" the pair whined and collapsed against one another.   
  
"Your shimmery friend?" she giggled. "Once the emperor finds out he's not a girl, he'll probably let him go. Or kill him… Hmmm, this is bad."  
  
"Glad you've come to see it our way…" Duo grimaced and stood up. He helped Duet to her feet and dusted himself off. "He doesn't have any weapons, and he wouldn't last long against those thugs that follow at Wu Fei's heels."  
  
"Do you know any other ways to get in?"   
  
"You're in luck. There's a sewer that runs under the palace. You could probably sneak inside from there."  
  
"You call that luck?" Duet frowned 


End file.
